Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dear Internet,

You may not be aware, but Eskimos are real people. They're not mythological creatures like cowboys. Much like midgets, Eskimos are a proud peoples. Eskimos are also real Americans and I'll tell you why.

Eskimos fought for America during the Desert Storm. They weren't in the desert like our brave boys because they would have melted, but they did our country a great service. Many people think Eskimos come from outer space, but that is a lie. Aliens are not people and don't exist. You see, Eskimos come from the great Eskimo homeland known as Vancouver. It is in that mysterious territory up north called Canada. Until the Gulf War all of Canada, including Vancouver, was ruled over by the French. But these were not normal French. These French worshiped the King of England instead of Jesus Christ.

When Desert Storm was initiated, America brought together a coalition of the willing consisting of America and some other people. France did not want to join and mocked America by not letting President W give that nice German lady a back massage. We were angry, but could not bomb France because they didn't have any terrorists and the Mooslims we sent over there ended up converting to Zeus worship with the French - which is not as bad as being a Mooslim, but still makes Jesus very angry.

The Eskimos in Vancouver wouldn't stand for this however and using their great magical powers made the Canadish tribal elders break all ties with French. Some even began to worship Jesus Christ like normal people. This move helped to demoralize the French who, using coded messages sent across Mooslim telegraph lines, told Sodom Bin Hussain to hide in a potty trench. This is where we found him and won the war on terror.

Before Desert Storm, the Canadish people and Americans had a rocky relationship. The Canadish had the same border crossing status as Mexicans and we would only allow them into our country if they showed skill at dodging border patrol bullets. While I think this is a good way to test the worthiness of your citizenship, the Canadish and their Eskimo leaders had proven themselves worthy to become real Americans. So now we let them back and forth across the border all the time and have even gone so far to make Canada part of North America. They can't vote in elections because they don't speak English as good as us and many still don't worship Jesus Christ, but maybe some day they'll earn the privilege.

God bless America and God bless me.


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