Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Dear Internet,

I haven't written to you in several days as I've been out of the country "on vacation". It was nice. I saw some historical landmarks for the country I visited. My hotel was adequate. I hope that gives you a good idea of how foreign travel can be. I don't recommend leaving America ever, but in the dire case where you have to, here are some travel tips for real Americans.

  1. Get Two Passports - You should always show your real passport to American customs agents. However, when traveling a broad, you NEVER want to show your real passport to foreign customs agents. They can use the information against you. If they know your real name all they have to do is call it out in a crowded street market and blam - bullet in the head. These are dangerous.
  2. Build Up A Tolerance For Trash - Foreign countries are filthy. Only America has a state of the art waste disposal system thanks to the Italians. What about Italy then? Italy is still filthy because all of their good waste disposal engineers came to America when the Italian King (King Pope) wouldn't allow them to clean the place up (probably due to some Dego religious thing). When traveling in a foreign country, throw any trash you have on the ground. This is considered a sign of respect and will allow you to blend in. This is especially true in Mooslim countries like India. Also, defecating on the street in front of people is encouraged in Mooslim countries. I don't know why. That's why these people are foreigners - their mind is alien to our sensibilities.
  3. Proclaim Your Americanism - Wherever you travel, make sure you let people know you're American - loudly. Foreigners are afraid of Americans and loud people. You can combine the two to your benefit. This works similiarly to the way you communicate with household pets. They don't understand the words you are saying, but understand the tone and that you are a superior. Don't be surprised if this causes foreigners to give you money or, in the case of small African nations, causes them to worship you. If they start to worship you, do not allow that to continue. Instead, point them towards the real God - Jesus Christ. This is exactly how Spain became a Christian nation and later went on to torture all the other heathens.
  4. Don't Eat Anything - Foreigners will try to poison you. They can't help it. As comforting as that MacDonalds sign may look, beware - it's just foreigners trying to lure you in and poison you. I've even heard they go so far as to put marywana in your food and PCP. You do not want to eat this. Instead, take pre-packaged MREs with you and never let them out of your sight. Foreigners will try to poison those too if they get their hands on them.
  5. Foreign Police Have No Jurisdiction Over You - You are an American and you have rights. If any foreign authority attems to question, restrain or imprison you, tell them that what they are doing will be considered an act of war against America and that we'll bulldoze their country with tanks and capitalism. This will cause great fear and confusion and will give you time to escape. Always punch them very hard in the nose if you're trying to escape. You may be tempted to aim for the testicles, but some countries allow women and things called uniks to join the police and this will not work. Once you get away, don't worry. If you followed tip #1 then you'll have showed them a fake passport and they won't be able to find you.
If you follow these tips you will survive a brief trip out of America. Obviously these trips should only be attempted by the most experienced adventureres. Pain, death, and misery can be a result of these travels. If you are just starting out I recommend going to relatively safe countries such as Canada or California. These places are strange and the above rules apply, but you'll be more likely to make it out of there alive.

God bless America and God bless me.