Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Dear Internet,

I haven't written to you in several days as I've been out of the country "on vacation". It was nice. I saw some historical landmarks for the country I visited. My hotel was adequate. I hope that gives you a good idea of how foreign travel can be. I don't recommend leaving America ever, but in the dire case where you have to, here are some travel tips for real Americans.

  1. Get Two Passports - You should always show your real passport to American customs agents. However, when traveling a broad, you NEVER want to show your real passport to foreign customs agents. They can use the information against you. If they know your real name all they have to do is call it out in a crowded street market and blam - bullet in the head. These are dangerous.
  2. Build Up A Tolerance For Trash - Foreign countries are filthy. Only America has a state of the art waste disposal system thanks to the Italians. What about Italy then? Italy is still filthy because all of their good waste disposal engineers came to America when the Italian King (King Pope) wouldn't allow them to clean the place up (probably due to some Dego religious thing). When traveling in a foreign country, throw any trash you have on the ground. This is considered a sign of respect and will allow you to blend in. This is especially true in Mooslim countries like India. Also, defecating on the street in front of people is encouraged in Mooslim countries. I don't know why. That's why these people are foreigners - their mind is alien to our sensibilities.
  3. Proclaim Your Americanism - Wherever you travel, make sure you let people know you're American - loudly. Foreigners are afraid of Americans and loud people. You can combine the two to your benefit. This works similiarly to the way you communicate with household pets. They don't understand the words you are saying, but understand the tone and that you are a superior. Don't be surprised if this causes foreigners to give you money or, in the case of small African nations, causes them to worship you. If they start to worship you, do not allow that to continue. Instead, point them towards the real God - Jesus Christ. This is exactly how Spain became a Christian nation and later went on to torture all the other heathens.
  4. Don't Eat Anything - Foreigners will try to poison you. They can't help it. As comforting as that MacDonalds sign may look, beware - it's just foreigners trying to lure you in and poison you. I've even heard they go so far as to put marywana in your food and PCP. You do not want to eat this. Instead, take pre-packaged MREs with you and never let them out of your sight. Foreigners will try to poison those too if they get their hands on them.
  5. Foreign Police Have No Jurisdiction Over You - You are an American and you have rights. If any foreign authority attems to question, restrain or imprison you, tell them that what they are doing will be considered an act of war against America and that we'll bulldoze their country with tanks and capitalism. This will cause great fear and confusion and will give you time to escape. Always punch them very hard in the nose if you're trying to escape. You may be tempted to aim for the testicles, but some countries allow women and things called uniks to join the police and this will not work. Once you get away, don't worry. If you followed tip #1 then you'll have showed them a fake passport and they won't be able to find you.
If you follow these tips you will survive a brief trip out of America. Obviously these trips should only be attempted by the most experienced adventureres. Pain, death, and misery can be a result of these travels. If you are just starting out I recommend going to relatively safe countries such as Canada or California. These places are strange and the above rules apply, but you'll be more likely to make it out of there alive.

God bless America and God bless me.


Monday, January 26, 2009

Dear Internet,

As an American I support the Commander in Chief in all of his decisions. That said, he needs to be stopped. Bama is an abortion machine setting terrorists free into our world.

In the first few days of him being President he's been supporting a ton of abortions. I don't mind the fact that he's giving money to foreign countries so they can perform abortions. That's just good strategy. But now he wants to kill Christian babies by making priests and ministers perform abortions or have all their money taken away. There is only one thing more important than money and that's Jesus Christ. They call this a freedom of choice bill, but what if my choice is to not kill Christian babies and still be rich? This is America and my choice is more important.

Also, Bama is closing the prison camps where we torture terrorists. This is wrong. We should not torture terrorists out on the streets like common criminals. We should torture them in a secure location far from the eyes of the world. I know. I was in Vietnam. Do you know what happens when you torture people out in the open? The downfall of civilization, that's what. When's the last time you bought a car from Vietnam? Right. That's all because of the torture. Also, the American people can not be trusted to torture terrorists appropriately. Nothing against my fellow Americans, but most just don't have the stomach for it. There's too many dirt worshipping liberals out there who would rather buy a terrorist some marywana instead of shoving needles behind their fingernails as is appropriate. Next thing you know we're all going to be speaking Hindu and praying to Buddah. Is that the America you want?

I have created this letter below that you can print out and send to your congressman. All you have to do is sign your name and put it in the mailbox. The post office knows me so you don't have to put stamps on it or anything.

Dear My Congressman,

Tell Bama to stop it!


(Your name here)

Send these by the millions to your congressmen and send a couple to Bama too so he understands.

God bless America and God bless me.


Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dear Internet,

There's this new show on the television called American Idol. You know what that is? That's bullshit! I watched this show and don't see any American Idols. In fact, I see a lot of little girls tarted up like whores and crying gay boys. Not that being a gay is bad like murdering people, but it's certainly not American. It strikes me as being more French. Which is probably why on the show they have some Frenchy up there yelling at everyone. That's not America! If they want an American show they should put me up there. I'll yell at those little tarts to go home and put some damn clothes on! Give up this stupid obsession with singing like black folks and get a real job like having babies. And I'd tell the gay kids to man up! Stop crying because I said your father thinks you're a disgrace. It's just the truth. How would you like to have a burly little boy who grows up to be a crying fag on TV? You wouldn't! You're not going to Hollywood! You're going to church where you can learn to love a real man like Jesus Christ! You never saw Jesus on TV crying because some Frenchy told him he couldn't sing. That's cause Jesus Christ was an American!

I've sent a note up to Bama seeing if he can get this damn thing off of my TV. Either that or rename it to Frenchy Idol. I figure the President should have the right to determine what things can or can't be called American. His daughters probably watch the show though (little girls are into crying gay boys) so he probably won't do anything. If Reagan were still President he'd take care of it!

A List of Real American Idols:
  • John Wayne
  • George W. Bush
  • Elvis
  • Neil Armstrong (he had both his testicles)
  • Johnny Cash
  • The Marlboro Man
  • Captain America
  • The FBI
  • Mickey Mouse
  • Me
God bless America and God bless Me


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dear Internet,

You may not be aware, but Eskimos are real people. They're not mythological creatures like cowboys. Much like midgets, Eskimos are a proud peoples. Eskimos are also real Americans and I'll tell you why.

Eskimos fought for America during the Desert Storm. They weren't in the desert like our brave boys because they would have melted, but they did our country a great service. Many people think Eskimos come from outer space, but that is a lie. Aliens are not people and don't exist. You see, Eskimos come from the great Eskimo homeland known as Vancouver. It is in that mysterious territory up north called Canada. Until the Gulf War all of Canada, including Vancouver, was ruled over by the French. But these were not normal French. These French worshiped the King of England instead of Jesus Christ.

When Desert Storm was initiated, America brought together a coalition of the willing consisting of America and some other people. France did not want to join and mocked America by not letting President W give that nice German lady a back massage. We were angry, but could not bomb France because they didn't have any terrorists and the Mooslims we sent over there ended up converting to Zeus worship with the French - which is not as bad as being a Mooslim, but still makes Jesus very angry.

The Eskimos in Vancouver wouldn't stand for this however and using their great magical powers made the Canadish tribal elders break all ties with French. Some even began to worship Jesus Christ like normal people. This move helped to demoralize the French who, using coded messages sent across Mooslim telegraph lines, told Sodom Bin Hussain to hide in a potty trench. This is where we found him and won the war on terror.

Before Desert Storm, the Canadish people and Americans had a rocky relationship. The Canadish had the same border crossing status as Mexicans and we would only allow them into our country if they showed skill at dodging border patrol bullets. While I think this is a good way to test the worthiness of your citizenship, the Canadish and their Eskimo leaders had proven themselves worthy to become real Americans. So now we let them back and forth across the border all the time and have even gone so far to make Canada part of North America. They can't vote in elections because they don't speak English as good as us and many still don't worship Jesus Christ, but maybe some day they'll earn the privilege.

God bless America and God bless me.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dear Internet,

Today a Black kid became President of the United States. I knew this day would come and I've been preparing. I can't watch BET because it's too loud, but I have seen various WB shows over the years and know how to assimilate into Black culture. This is my job and I'm the best.

I feel the Bama will do great things. He is not afraid to knife people if they deserve it, so terrorists watch your guts! That's what America needs and it's got it.

I'm afraid for money. I think Bama doesn't appreciate money the way I do. He wants to not give me as much and instead give it to bail out rich people who unlike me aren't associated with the government. I do not understand this mind. He has to work with the government for the next 5 years. Why not give us money so we like him? This is common sense. If you give people money, they like you more. People say he's smart so maybe he's just a tiny bit stupid. A real patriot would give me money.

Now I'm not saying Bama isn't a real patriot. I think he's just a little goofy, that's all. I mean, what can you expect from a guy who was born a Mooslim in Africa and then his parents wised up and accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior. A lot of people say he's still Mooslim and was going to take the oath on the Koran. That is lie. He also does not worship cattle like the Mooslims. He loves Jesus now and that's good enough for me! Well, he's not as good as someone who has loved Jesus all their life, but not many people are perfect.

He is Commander in Chief and I will support him. So should you. That is how to be a real American. Real americans support anyone as Commander in Chief. Just look at Jimmy Carter. Even if you are white like me and don't understand him unlike me you should support him no matter what. Until he does something really stupid. Like AIDS experiments on Oriental babies. That would be terrible.

God bless America and God bless me.

Dear Internet,

My name is Baccarat and I AM America. Baccarat is not my real name. I gave that to America a long damn time ago. Before you were semen in your father's stomach - kids, that's where babies come from. Baccarat is a legend. THE legend. Most people associate America with George Washington chopping down that cherry tree to make his wooden teeth or Abe Lincoln going to see plays (I think he may have been kind of a sissy, but that's a tale for another time). Me, I associate America with me. And so should you.

I gave my life for this country more times than a Japanese nose piercer makes bowel movements in a month. And it ain't killed me yet. So I should know a thing or two about this country, our society, our enemies, and the universe. I've seen many things that would make a grown man bleed from his earballs and what did I do? I grew a sack and shot what had to be shot. Or I ordered people to do it. I had to make the tough choices. I never had a family. I left my dear sweet mother, God rest her soul may she burn in hell, when I was only 12 years old to fight the Orientals. I had to wade into the fire and learn how to grow a beard so I could claim to be 18 years old. What kids these days know sacrifice like that? NONE!

And that was my life. Hopping from war to war, killing and being killed for AMERICA! I've worked my way to the very tops of this government and currently hold a position so amazing that even the Commander in Chief doesn't know about it. Unless he's psychic. And this new Bama kid may be, so we should watch out for that. So don't even try figuring out who I am or where I work. You won't success. Unless you're psychic. And if you are psychic watch out! I'm gunning for you.

I have decided to start writing to you to make money. The internet is money and I want some. I make a lot of money working for America, but like America I want more money. Insider sources say that Bama may be cutting taxes and that means my pay goes down. Fox News says we're all depressed and I'm listinging and trying to make money so I can ride it out. So please read my messages every day so I can have more of the money that you're not sending to me in April.

I will write to you about America. The real America. Sarah McPalin talked about the real America. That's me. She was talking about me. A lot of people have questions for the real America. Like how can they too become the real America? It's easy and I'll show you. I will also discredit anyone talking about the aliens that American government is hiding for you. It's not true and those people are artistic. There are also no such things as scientists and they do not have a cruise ship. It's just a Hollywood movie cooked up by Tom Cruise. See? Tom Cruise. Cruise ship. He wants you to think it's real so you overthrow Jesus and America. Well I'm here to tell you Jesus won't take shit from nobody. I don't speak for the man, but I'm a Christian and I know what he wants.

God bless America and God bless me.