Dear Internet,

My name is Baccarat and I AM America. Baccarat is not my real name. I gave that to America a long damn time ago. Before you were semen in your father's stomach - kids, that's where babies come from. Baccarat is a legend. THE legend. Most people associate America with George Washington chopping down that cherry tree to make his wooden teeth or Abe Lincoln going to see plays (I think he may have been kind of a sissy, but that's a tale for another time). Me, I associate America with me. And so should you.

I gave my life for this country more times than a Japanese nose piercer makes bowel movements in a month. And it ain't killed me yet. So I should know a thing or two about this country, our society, our enemies, and the universe. I've seen many things that would make a grown man bleed from his earballs and what did I do? I grew a sack and shot what had to be shot. Or I ordered people to do it. I had to make the tough choices. I never had a family. I left my dear sweet mother, God rest her soul may she burn in hell, when I was only 12 years old to fight the Orientals. I had to wade into the fire and learn how to grow a beard so I could claim to be 18 years old. What kids these days know sacrifice like that? NONE!

And that was my life. Hopping from war to war, killing and being killed for AMERICA! I've worked my way to the very tops of this government and currently hold a position so amazing that even the Commander in Chief doesn't know about it. Unless he's psychic. And this new Bama kid may be, so we should watch out for that. So don't even try figuring out who I am or where I work. You won't success. Unless you're psychic. And if you are psychic watch out! I'm gunning for you.

I have decided to start writing to you to make money. The internet is money and I want some. I make a lot of money working for America, but like America I want more money. Insider sources say that Bama may be cutting taxes and that means my pay goes down. Fox News says we're all depressed and I'm listinging and trying to make money so I can ride it out. So please read my messages every day so I can have more of the money that you're not sending to me in April.

I will write to you about America. The real America. Sarah McPalin talked about the real America. That's me. She was talking about me. A lot of people have questions for the real America. Like how can they too become the real America? It's easy and I'll show you. I will also discredit anyone talking about the aliens that American government is hiding for you. It's not true and those people are artistic. There are also no such things as scientists and they do not have a cruise ship. It's just a Hollywood movie cooked up by Tom Cruise. See? Tom Cruise. Cruise ship. He wants you to think it's real so you overthrow Jesus and America. Well I'm here to tell you Jesus won't take shit from nobody. I don't speak for the man, but I'm a Christian and I know what he wants.

God bless America and God bless me.

Baccarat